FrankenhookerOne of my favorite cult classic movies is “Frankenhooker”. After an unfortunate and fatal accident involving a lawnmower, a young scientist who still lives with his parents loses his girlfriend, but retains (and this part is gross, so you might want to close your eyes) her head in a jar. He realizes that talking to her head is not enough, and in the manner of all Frankenstein knock-offs, tries to re-create her in unsavory ways.

I am slightly embarrassed that I like this movie because of the misogynistic messages in the film, but again, the movie is a spoof, so I don’t take it too seriously when he tries to piece together different women’s parts to “re-make” his girlfriend.


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Late Night Beauty ProductsLast night, I was in need of a little girlie time; since none of the girls that I usually spend time with were available, I decided to enjoy myself alone by testing out a couple of the more alluring beauty products that I’ve seen for sale on TV.

The first product I tested was Smooth Away- the weird hair removal product. Now, I am not necessarily a hairy beast or all that hairier than the next woman, but I do have to remove my unwanted body hair somehow.

Waxing is expensive and painful, shaving is a laborious process for a tall woman, and I am never quite sure what to do my fine arm hairs.


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I'm So Wasted!Wouldn’t it be nice if you could go to a bar, meet a guy, and know what exactly he’s talking about?

I’m concerned that you, as single women, don’t have the necessary information you need to understand what a man is really saying, so I have talked to numerous single guys to find their innermost thoughts.  Not surprisingly, they mostly originate from the lower of a man’s two brains.

Here are some translations, which you should keep on you at all times when you go out:

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Single on Valentine's DayYou have to be leery of a holiday whose initials are VD.

Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a holiday designed by Hallmark Lobbyists to sell grotesque heart-laden greeting cards to men too shallow to understand how to treat a woman.

It’s for couples to fake out the rest of the world (the single people) by pretending that they are gloriously happy when in all likelihood they are fighting more because of the enormous pressure of trying to find the perfect present. It’s for shoo-shi restaurants to rip off their patrons with expensive dinners while the diners worry about how they are going to pay off their Master Card for the $100 meal they couldn’t even finish ordered from a menu they couldn’t even understand.


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Hot Babes with DouchebagsThe sexes are still not quite equal.


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Absolutely Beautiful Dresses- NOT!You’ve made a mistake and it’s too late- you’ve already agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend or relatives wedding out of some strange obligation to accept societal norms and not piss off the bride on her most important day- her wedding.

Why is it a mistake?

Forget the fact that you will have to wear an ugly, duplicate dress in a color totally incompatible with your skin tone whose sole purpose is to make the bride stand out from the rest of the women in her bridal party- it gets much worse. You will have to lay down enormous amounts of cash just for the privilege of wearing the dress, take on responsibilities you don’t have time for, all the while hoping you don’t slip and fall down the aisle making yourself one of the top hits on Youtube for the next decade.


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A-Cup AliciaThe Aussies are most definitely one weird lot. I’ve always suspected as much and it was just confirmed by the recent news about the anti-porn crusanders in Australia, who seem to be even more bizarre than their right-wing American counter-parts.

A year ago (and I don’t know where I was when this news came out), the porn censors in Australia decided for some strange reason that small breasts encouraged Paedophilia, so started a campaign to ban small breasts in porn.

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Is Your Butt Good Enough?For those of you who do not know Dov Charney, perhaps you should become acquainted with him. As the CEO of American Apparel, he will stop at nothing to having pretty, young things surrounding him at his stores, ramping up his ads with teen sex appeal in the hopes of someday being able to compete with Ambercrombie and Fitch, and trying to walk around his offices in his underwear because everyone likes to see flabby, middle-aged men half-naked while they are trying to work or snack at the water cooler.


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Break UpsThe next time you are breaking up with some poor, hapless guy, remember that you will OWN his heart forever. Or at least in this video, which does get slightly disturbing towards the end....

Does Chris Crocker Look Ok for School?Do you believe that it is ok for a boy to wear a skirt to school if he is not in Scotland wearing a kilt? How about a Chris Crocker styled wig, complete with the make-up of Tammy Faye Baker on a male high school student? Should this be in bounds for the school dress code or should this be disallowed on school time?

Along the same lines, is it acceptable for a female student to wear a tuxedo to her Sr. Prom or should she conform to society’s standards and wear a dress? Is that the same type of situation?

The NYT recently ran an article checking out the answers to some of these questions on a cross-country basis. Not surprisingly, the answers varied widely from state to state.

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