I’ve decided to slow down the Great Internet Dating Experiment.

For some reason, and against all laws of nature and the hidden bylaws of the sites themselves, every single response I receive is from someone who doesn’t meet my requirements.

Example A: On Dating site A, I said I didn’t want to be contacted by anyone living over 25 miles away. But according to the sometimes-reliable Google maps, every single respondent is 26 or 27 miles away. Not good.

Example B: On Dating site B, I said that I didn’t want to hear from any short guys. I know that you may think I am biased against midgets and the like because of this, but I’m not. I’ve dated shorter men than me before, but would like someone who can at least touch the top of my head without standing on his tippy toes. I think that this is not too much to ask.

Example C: On both dating sites, I stated my preferences for which kinds of relationships I was interested in pursuing, and made it pretty clear that I was not really interested in arranging “meet-ups” for casual sex. That didn’t stop me from getting noticed by bigdaddlicious and his ilk, even after I removed my super sexy web cam shot. (And, no, there wasn’t any nudity involved, just in case you are curious.)

I’ve also realized that while I do enjoy meeting new people, the whole dynamics change when I have to make a snap decision about their dateability. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Another problem is that there are people I like spending time with more than the people (2) that I’ve met from dating sites. Most of them aren’t even potential partners, just people that I like talking to. Is it wrong that I mostly prefer my friends and family to total strangers chosen almost at random on dating sites?

Conclusion: I need a new dating strategy at this point. Either I need to revamp my profile so I attract the right kind of guys, sue the dating site for matching me with short men, or dump the whole dating site thing altogether. I’ve watched a lot of dating movies in my day and I’m not without ideas on how to do this. I could

Dating Solution A.)  Go out and get really drunk, pick up someone in Vegas, marry them, and then forget about it the next day. I hear that’s a great way to meet people.

Dating Solution B.)  Take a class and stare at someone. It worked for Molly Ringwold in 16 Candles.

Dating Solution C.)  Have one of my friends make a bet about me dating some geek. The details on this are still not quite defined, but it involves the geek turning out to be much better looking than everyone thought at first.

Dating Solution D.)  Enlist the aid of a wingman or wing woman.

Dating Solution E.)  Cruise the mall looking for hot guys.

Unfortunately, most of the dating movies I like are teen-based. I am not a teenager, so I’m not quite as sure just how the dating strategies will work. Let me know if you have any ideas.