The Lowdown on Valentine's Day

Single on Valentine's DayYou have to be leery of a holiday whose initials are VD.

Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a holiday designed by Hallmark Lobbyists to sell grotesque heart-laden greeting cards to men too shallow to understand how to treat a woman.

It’s for couples to fake out the rest of the world (the single people) by pretending that they are gloriously happy when in all likelihood they are fighting more because of the enormous pressure of trying to find the perfect present. It’s for shoo-shi restaurants to rip off their patrons with expensive dinners while the diners worry about how they are going to pay off their Master Card for the $100 meal they couldn’t even finish ordered from a menu they couldn’t even understand.

In Korea, there is a special holiday for singles-it’s called Black Day and is celebrated by eating black noodles (JaJa Myeon) with other single friends.  The nice thing about Black Day as opposed to Valentine’s Day (or should I just call it VD day?) is that the noodles cost a grand total of three bucks, there aren’t any stupid cards to buy, and you are not required to buy shitty chocolate for someone you are not even sure you will be with at the end of the year.

I suggest that lawmakers here should designate a similar law for single men and women. Not a pity fest, but a celebration of being single and everything that it brings. To Americanize the new holiday, maybe we could eat Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. At the same time, your married friends will regret the fact that they are not single and be envious of the freedoms that single women have.

In Seattle, the sex expert Dan Savage is hosting a Valentine's Day single’s night so people might not necessarily be single at the end of the evening.  I’m positive that across this grand land, there are singles events everywhere on Valentine’s Day; try bowling alleys, back alleys, the occasional night club, and maybe even the local Bingo night and you could very well snag yourself a man.

Or, to celebrate your singleness at home, you can lip-sync the entire Grease album while paying special attention to Riz’s parts, bake muffins from your Betty Crocker cook-book, read about strange sex practices in the Encylopedia of Unusual Sex Practices or paint your toe-nails ten random colors while burning past mementos from an older relationship.

If none of the above works for you or tickles your fancy, I suggest sex toys, which should distract you from the fact that you are single. It’s definitely a way to celebrate alone that often goes under-appreciated.

Whatever you choose to do, just remember that you are fabulous.