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The Single Life: Boring

Single or Married: Both Boring?

It’s not super exciting staying home by myself on a Saturday. And it’s not too exciting choosing between a shopping trip with a friend and her daughter and a trip to the tulip festival with my married friends and their two very cute and very young children.

The not boring parts include:

A recent string of bad dates that won’t turn me into a lesbian, but will get me picking my dates a little more carefully.
A slow realization that one (or more) weirdos may be hacking my Facebook for fun and probably not much profit. The Facebook hacking hoopla made me a little annoyed and angry that I don’t have a CSI team of experts at my disposal to catch the culprit(s), but not much else.
A few fun times meeting friends and catching up with good conversation over a beer or two. I don’t think the beer part has anything to do with being single, although it does make being single more fun.

And that’s it. Boring. There are things I like to do by myself which I continue to do and things that are more fun with another person. Again, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m not always talking/thinking about S-E-X. I just can’t imagine camping by myself or with someone who doesn’t know what the EU is.

I saw my ex and met his significant other. She was nice and was gracious to me, which is all that I can ask of her. I had fun meeting her and him, but it doesn’t mean that I’m going to snuggle up with them in their tent or on any of their trips.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to date just anyone. Bad relationships and bad mojo spread like bad mayo at a Fourth of July picnic. No one wants to be around that kind of energy and dating a douche is a good way to lose friends and family. (For any guys reading this post, it’s the same if you date the female equivalent of a douche, which is a term I reserve for selected individuals.)

People say that married life is boring. I say that if it’s boring, that’s probably a good sign because it means you are in the comfort zone. I say single life is more boring--bad English intended--because there’s no one around to correct my grammar or to talk to when I watch TV.

What do you think? Is it “more boring” being single or being married? Or in a long term relationship?

Sex: What Guys Say When They Want It

Usually, guys are not at their most eloquent when they're after you....

The beauty of Shine!’s list about what men tell you while trying to get you to have sex with them is that it reads either like great advice from a men’s magazine--see some examples HERE--or like the everyday great advice seen in Cosmo.

Translation: All of the lines sound completely and totally made up and it’s hard to imagine that anyone uses them in the 21st century. (Unless of course they live in Texas, where next to anything is possible.) Like some of the lines used on my friends HERE, I’m guessing that the lines were either taken from movies or were fueled by a few too many margaritas.

Here are some of the highlights from the Shine! article:

The worst:

“Just let me put the tip in.”--Jen B.

If you hear this ever, make sure you are covered in the birth control department if you decide to have sex. His two minutes of pleasure are not necessarily worth an unplanned pregnancy or an STD. (My advice, of course, would be to run the other way to a guy who knows a little more about family planning, respect, and consideration.)

“I have a cop uniform in my room...want to see?” --Maddy C.

Any time a guy ever mentions showing you anything in his room after 9PM, assume that he wants sex. Way back in the day, frat guys would offer to show their “fish” or “fish tanks.” While there’s nothing wrong with the tacky “fish tank line” tact per se, it’s a good idea to only limit nighttime visits to guys’ dorm, frat, or apartment rooms to only guys that you would consider sleeping with. It’s easy to blur the lines between date rape and consensual sex when WAY too much alcohol is involved.

“Want to go watch TV in your room?” --Melanie D.

It’s the same exact idea, but in reverse. If you know you want to have sex with the guy in question and have birth control handy, that might be an easy ice breaker. But if you don’t have any birth control on hand or you aren’t attracted to the guy in question, it might be a better idea to watch TV in the living room, or better yet in public.

Again, the worst thing about all of these lines is that guys are being told by their friends and the media that lines like this are the best way to get a woman into bed.

I Don't Date Married Men: Do You?

Skeptical of a Separation Story I Heard Recently

Added to the list of people I am not dating: people who are married.

Duh. Right? It should be a given, but apparently in modern day society, married guys are fair game. Or at least, some married guys try to pretend that they are fair game. Consider the following true story:

I met a guy for coffee on a first date. I wasn’t sure initially how the date was going because my decaf latte--if indeed it was a decaf latte--wasn’t fueling the conversation. There were lulls in the conversation.

We talked politics. We talked travel. I brought up the guy who didn’t know what the EU was and the guy I was on a date with bragged that he not only knew what the EU was, he was a traveler.

I still wasn’t sure. We talked music and I thought we might have had a mutual acquaintance.

We didn’t.

We started talking exes. I brought up mine and said that we were amicable. He mentioned that he and his were also amicable.

Of course, I didn’t realize how amicable they actually were until he said that they were still living together. For his son, apparently. Who is four and would be traumatized by a divorce.

To some degree, I could understand. I’m the child of divorce. It’s traumatic. But does it get any less traumatic at the age of five or six?

I showed him that I was skeptical. I might have said that it was weird. Which maybe I shouldn’t have in retrospect. But that’s what I thought.

He said that it wasn’t weird and that it was quite common for people to stay together for years after they had separated because of the kids.

I wasn’t buying it.

Either he was truthfully newly separated or still together with his wife, but he hadn’t been living with his wife separated for three years.

That might fly with some chicks, but not with me. Wouldn’t it bother his son if I happened to stay over at his parents house in the “separate bedroom” that he supposedly had? Wouldn’t his son notice his dad’s frequent “business trips” that only lasted a few hours?

Of course, I’d be lying if I said that concern for his son was my primary concern. My concern at this point, as selfish as it may sound, is for myself and my own well-being.

Translation: Married Men Wishing to Date Me Need Not Apply

I Can't Date You If....

I Had to Change My Dating Rules....

A few weeks ago, there was a trending meme on Twitter: I can’t date you if....

I entered a few choice Tweets of my own about my dating preferences, but thought of another one after a particularly weird date today:

I can’t date you if you don’t know what the EU is.

I’m serious. This person was not a young’un, had a sort of education, and showed up as a match for me on one of my dating sites. I picked him because I liked one of his pictures and ventured to meet him in parts largely unknown to me.

He was not attractive, but I stayed anyway, largely because he witnessed me parking my car and had already heard me saying I was there to meet someone. And I’m not rude. (Credit and kudos to my parents for this quality in me and my siblings.)

I met him for coffee only and was glad that the date was nothing more. We started awkwardly talking. I tried to keep up my end of the conversation, but found that I was struggling to think of things to say.

I didn’t like it when he asked if I liked camping and then reminded me that he had a camper on his pick up. I couldn’t imagine being in a tent or camper with him, but knew that was where his thoughts were going.

My attraction level was at a negative zero at that point.

I shifted the conversation to travel and he lit up. He had been to one other country, which happened to be in Europe. I couldn’t remember if the country was in the EU or not and asked him.

He said he did not know what the EU was.

I wanted to leave. I mean, I had wanted to leave already, but I really, really wanted to leave at that point.

I made a new rule for myself. From this point on, I would not date anyone who had never heard of the EU.

Period.

Seriously, not knowing what the EU is is kind of like not knowing what Canada is. Or thinking that Canadians live in Igloos because of a South Park episode. I almost felt like I was Jay Leno interviewing college students to check their ignorance levels. Almost, but not quite.

What’s the stupidest thing that a date has ever said to you? Did it change your dating habits forever or just temporarily?

Single Life: You Know You're Single When

Habits of Single Girls....

Bacherolettes may be the hottest women on TV shows, but when you’re a real single woman, you don’t always feel like a superstar. Since I’ve been single, I’ve noticed a few habit changes that I’ve made that aren’t necessarily for the best. I’ve also noticed that some things are much easier for singles.

Here’s my little list for what it’s worth.

You know you’re SINGLE when:

You wake up snuggling your giant throw pillow on your bed and get angry at it for not waking you up when your alarm went off.
You look into your fridge and find two cans of PBR, a bottle of white wine opened last fall, and a head of brown lettuce.
Your hot dinner and a movie dates consists of you alone on the couch watching sappy Hallmark meals and eating some leftover takeout from three weeks ago. You do not check yourself in for your date night on Facebook.
You can’t decide whether you need to clean your house before a big date in case you bring him home.
Your only Valentine’s Day card is from your mom, who reminds you that she loves you, but does not include a check or a gift certificate to prove her undying love.
Your married and couple friends are trying to live vicariously through you when and if you do date.
You forget what it’s like to have petty arguments over how exactly the dishes should be washed and which sponges should be used for what.
Drunk Facebooking becomes your new favorite hobby.
You notice that you get to look at people you think are attractive without worrying what anyone will think about it.
You eat food out of the can because no one is watching.
You wear more makeup than you did before in case someone happens to spot you at the post office when you’re mailing your rent or mortgage check.
Bikini waxes become mandatory instead of the special treat for your loved one.
You feel like you’re twelve years old again when you start liking someone and can’t figure out how the relationship is actually going.
You realize that you can’t post too many pictures of you having fun because your married mom friends will get jealous that they aren’t included even though they are allowed to post ten thousand fun family pictures on a daily basis.
You have to eat sushi alone.

Bad Sext Timing

Sometimes I just don't feel like sexting......

Bad Sext Timing.

I was truthfully enjoying sexting someone; every so often, we would sext about seeing each other and what we would do when we saw each other and it was fine. Then I had a bad day and received a sext.

I started wondering what I was doing in a sext relationship. What was the possible benefit for me? I realized that I needed someone with more to give me than a clever turn of phrase (or not so clever depending on the hour of the night) and sexy vibes; I decided that I needed someone to date, too.

The sexter made a joke about a comment I had made; he wanted to know whether or not it was a sexual innuendo. It totally wasn’t a sexual innuendo; I was in need of a friendly face (or texter) to console me.

But it wasn’t the guy’s fault that all he sent were sexts; we hadn’t established anything more with one another and hadn’t met in person for several months. I told him periodically that I was still looking on the dating sites, but that I hadn’t found anyone, which was all truthful. We almost got together a few times, but either due to strange and mysterious timing or excuses, we didn’t end up ever seeing each other.

Since I wasn’t in a relationship at the time and had no one to use as my whipping post--metaphorically speaking only--I texted him back and said that I was really looking for more in a relationship than sex. The implied message was that I wasn’t sure if I was going to waste my time or not.

(Not that passionate sex is ever a waste of time; we had just had so many cancellations that I had begun to wonder whether or not we were just too busy.)

Again, the sexter wasn’t wrong to continue to sext me; the timing was wrong. It probably would have been the same if I was in a serious relationship with someone, too. When you’ve had a shitty day, the “hey baby” lines don’t always work so well.

But the whole bad sext timing incident did make me realize that I am looking for something more than a sext-only relationship. How about you? Have you ever been the recipient of a sext at an inappropriate time or place? Or, like me, did you ever get a sex from someone at a time when you needed a hug?

Single on Valentine's Day: Will I Survive?

I think so.....

I should be totally freaking out. Valentine’s Day is fast-approaching and not even my mother has sent me a card. (I’ll probably get cookies in the mail from my 90-year-old grandpa, but there’s no guarantee that he’ll remember to put all of the ingredients in them.)

After the age of nine, you’re not supposed to rely on your family members as your primary source of Valentine’s. But I’m not the only single person in the world, so I know that it does happen sometimes.

A couple of years ago—when I was sneakily writing about single activities before I was actually single—I wrote about fun activities for singles in and around town. Now that I’m single, I’m not planning on going to any of them.

As fun as some of them sound, it just seems weird to wear a fancy dress to a party to meet perfect strangers in the hopes of finding one that might be right for me. Something just doesn’t compute when I think about it.

“Hi! I’d love to hang out with you and have an already overly-commercial day as our anniversary” is probably not the best pick-up line in the history of pick-up lines. Not, of course, that I ever use pick-up lines anyway.

Nor could I imagine lying about my age to get into a Valentine’s Day Speed Dating (competition?) as someone suggested. It’s not that I have a hard time talking to people or that snap judgments don’t come to me naturally; it’s just that I can’t imagine that any guy that I would ever like would ever actually do a Speed Dating event. In every picture I see of Speed Dating events, the guys are wearing their standard douchebag Docker uniforms and seem like a bizarre cross between used car salesman and frat guys. Not that there’s much difference between the two.

So I’ll probably stay home on Valentine’s Day this year. I might buy myself a couple of candy hearts and then again I might not. If I’m lucky enough to get cookies from my Grandpa, I’ll have to eat them carefully to make sure that he didn’t forget the brown sugar or any other crucial ingredients.

If I start to feel sorry for myself too much, which I doubt, I’ll probably start a little art project to make myself feel better. Maybe I’ll make a few broken hearts out of construction paper and tape them back together as best as I can.

Not-so-Newly Single Grrrl: I don't want to become the crazy cat lady!

Goal for 2012: Avoid dating zombies and try to date real guys.

I’ve been single for a nearly a year; while I did figure out how to date an actual man once in a while--as opposed to a flesh-eating zombie aka programmer--I don’t know that I’ve found the one. Maybe I’m just not up-to-date on my dating or maybe I just spotted one and wanted to move too quickly.

I’m not sure. But for whatever reason, I’m still single. I haven’t become a crazy cat lady yet, but it could happen.

I’ve joined a total of three dating sites and no, I will not tell you which ones. The last thing I need is some online stalker trying to hunt me down because of my penchant for using zombie memes.

But back to me and my dating life, which has been on hold for the last few months, but hopefully will get jump-started into high gear now that spring is on the horizon. (It also shouldn’t hurt that I’ve sent several dating games to my love matches. It’s easier in theory for a guy, especially after a beer or two, to respond to dating games than it is to answer an e-mail from a long-winded writer no matter how cute she may be.

So, I’m picturing dating as a numbers game. The more guys I contact, the more likely I am to find one who is a fit for me. (That I am hopefully a fit for.) If I contact 50 guys, maybe I’ll be a match for 3 of them. Which would be great if I were into polyamorous relationships, but I’m not. (I’ve found the polyamorous crowd to be a little weird.)

So what I am looking for in a guy?

I want a guy who is preferably breathing and living; I went on a date with someone with terminal cancer and knew I couldn’t take it emotionally. Beyond that, I want a guy who is supportive of women, who likes to be outside, who likes to drink a beer now and then and who most of all, appreciates me for who I am. (Of course, the last part might be a little tough:)

Any advice on how I can lure a guy in with my feminine wiles? Has anyone been successful at meeting guys at organized events for singles?

(I tried one event and was the only person there in my age bracket--definitely AWKWARD.)

Dates Gone Wrong: Do We Need a Special Site to Complain About Our Bad Dates?

I don't think so.....

I heard of a new dating-related site that allows a person who went on a date to personally contact the person they just dated to tell them what they did wrong on the date. I don’t need this because I already know what I did wrong on each and every date that I’ve been on. How do I know this?

I’m a woman. Women know these things. Women re-hash every single painful detail of bad dates with their friends to find out what went wrong. And if something goes wrong on a date, nine times out of ten, it’s the woman’s fault.

I already know if I’ve said a joke that my date didn’t appreciate. I already know if my date didn’t like my car enough to want to date me.

And I don’t need to tell the nice guys that I’ve dated what they’ve done wrong on the dates. I don’t need to tell them that they’re not funny enough for me because they probably already know.

I don’t need to tell them that I forgot to check how tall they were or that they were lying about their age on the dating site because, again, they probably already know.

And wasting my time on the jerks (two so far) that I’ve gone out on dates with is not really worth my time. There’s supposedly a template on the site on which the date reviewer can tell his/her date what they did exactly wrong.

I don’t know, but I’m guessing that the guy who told me I was looking good, and that he was fun, probably can guess that ditching me at a concert that I had free tickets to was probably not the best dating strategy. (Of course, I can’t be sure, because he contacted me later just to say hi.)

And, I”m guessing that the young phone tech expert knew that leaving me on the dance floor when he realized that I wasn’t going to sleep with him probably wasn’t the best dating strategy either. (He was under thirty, though, and we all know that anyone under thirty doesn’t have a fully developed brain yet, so it’s possible that he might not have realized it.)

What do you think? Do we need a dating site just to tell our rejects what they did wrong? Is it worth the time and effort to bitch and moan to the dates’ faces?

If you want to be disgusted by what men like that really think, read this. See how sick to your stomach you feel after reading it.

How Much is a Tattoo on a Butt Cheek Worth?

Would you auction off the advertising rights to your butt?

Earlier I wrote about the CEO of American Apparel Dov Charney who put out a call for pics of women’s butts; today, I came across this inspirational story of one woman who was laid off from her job and came up with an intriguing way to earn herself some extra cash. Instead of selling her body on the streets, Tina Beznec put her butt up for auction on a New Zealand (dating) auction site.

Tina Beznec’s ad read: "Your tattoo on my bum!" and was accompanied by a picture of her derriere. Someone must have thought that Tina Beznec’s ass was tattoo-worthy because the auction closed at nearly $10,000 Kiwi.

A strip club calendar bought the tattoo rights to Tina Beznec’s butt, but no one is talking about what exactly the picture will be on her butt. As THIS article observes, she is being picky about the size of the tattoo on her butt. The tattoo will not be “right in the middle.” Rather, the tattoo has to be on one cheek or the other, which means she is effectively managing her advertising space to her best advantage. Depending on the success of this tattoo, she could possibly auction off her other butt cheek as well. I wonder how much Dov Charney would pay for the rights to a butt cheek.

What does all of this say about the state of the world at large?

Likely not much.

Tina Beznec is already tattooed over most of her body and saw an opportunity and a niche market where none existed before. She reportedly one marriage proposal as a result of either her ingenuity in her advertising campaign or the looks of her butt. I haven’t seen the original site or a picture of her butt, but I would bet money that it is the latter.

My prediction is that Tina Beznec may have started a trend; I don’t know whether it is legal or not to auction body parts for tattoos on Ebay, but I’m guessing that at least a few industrious young American women will try to do the same thing. It’s not necessarily an admirable thing to do, but it’s easy money for a woman who is used to the pain of tattoos.

Would you ever try to auction off your butt (or boob) for a tattoo? What restrictions would you apply on the size and location of the tattoo? (That is, if you would auction your butt in the first place.)

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